Quitting at being a SAHM?

I was browsing my email this past weekend and saw a job announcement. I read it out of habit and was surprised that it sounded pretty darn perfect for me. I told my husband and he said you should apply, it just seems like such a great cross-section of all your experience.

But it's full-time, I replied. What about the kids? It could be a great job but the timing is still all wrong. We would have to do the daycare thing and that would be a huge transition for us. 

Yes, but we could potentially send them to our neighbor's daycare. It just seems like it could be a good job for you.

Source: 

http://www.secureteen.com/working-mom/working-mom-vs-stay-at-home-mom-what’s-best-for-kids/

I've been torn ever since seeing that job ad. It really does seem like a great position. My husband's excitement about it added to my feeling that I should apply. It could still be a longshot since I have been out of work for so long. But what's the harm in trying?

Then I started feeling anxious. What if I got the job? It would be a holy sh** kind of moment....Can I really get on board with the day care option after 4 years as a SAHM? Only seeing my kids for maybe 2 hours a day on weekdays before bed. Would they revolt? The family lifestyle changes it would force didn't sound appealing. Then again it was the most appealing job posting I've seen in a long time. But, I've already been out of the workforce for 4 years. If I wait 3 more years until Lil Sis is in kindergarden that will be 7 years out of the workforce! My chances will just get worse and worse in the future the longer I stay away.

...It's a fitting job. It could be a bridge back to working.  I should apply. Chances are I won't get it anyway, afterall I've been out of work for 5 years. Then again I should just see what happens. It will only be harder to get a job the longer I've been out. But what if I did get it? What then? What about the kids? No, don't bother applying the time isn't right--but....

Circular thoughts, over and over.

Monday morning I was driving in the car and flipped to a new radio station and heard a song with lyrics including:

We wish our weekdays away 
Spend our weekends in bed
We Drink ourselves stupid and work ourselves dead....

But we’re all slowly dying in front of computers....

(Scare away the Dark by Passenger http://youtu.be/0hVQ2jjDpss)

The song was a little sappy, and not entirely applicable to my situation, but it cleared my angst (temporarily). Did I truly want the job? Not now while my kids are so little. Especially since it's full time and does require some evenings and weekends as do many planning jobs. Why this job? Is it really so perfect? Why am I so worried about not having a job? Because you need a career to be successful. You need an occupation, money, titles and promotions to be considered worth something. I don't want to be left behind. How will I rejoin the workforce when the time is right?

However... Right now I have something that many people wish they could do. To have the freedom and the choice to not be tied to a desk and computer 40+ hours a week. To be home with my kids, snuggling on the couch reading books at 2:00 on a weekday afternoon.

The realization hasn't totally stopped the circular thoughts, but it has helped. I don't want to quit being a SAHM. Sometimes I just want it all, and you can't. At least not all at the same time.

Exercise is not on my to do list

I wish it was, but to me there is nothing more boring than exercising purely for the sake of exercising. It's great when people enjoy running outside or on a piece of gym equipment for hours a week but it's not for me. I do make an exception for group classes though, those are fun.

There are three times in my adult life when I was in the best shape:

1. Undergraduate college when I lived on campus and spent all day walking from dorm to class to class to class, up (outdoor) stairs and down with a backpack full of books.

2. My first post-college job when I biked 1.5 miles one way to get there. Biking 3 miles a day, 5 days a week, even though the route was flat, was great exercise and my body was happy.

3. After finishing graduate school my husband and I bought our first house in the city center. I walked to work, I walked Pepper, I walked to yoga class, we walked to restaurants and festivals. Walking as my primary mode of transportation was great. I didn't have a backpack on my back anymore, though eventually I did have Big Bro strapped to me in his Baby Bjorn. With cute, human-scale, grid networked streets I could do any combination of loops. It was easy and noncommittal (unlike a long, straight country road), with new things to see every block and I was under the protection of street trees and sidewalks.

I think having exercise built into your lifestyle is the best way to go. 

The lifestyle piece is hard right now. Getting out to a group class isn't easy because of bedtime routines and evening meeting obligations, not to mention the drive. Working out with a video in the living room means kids climbing on me or crying to be picked up. Stroller walks are difficult on country roads with 65 pounds of kids overloading the stroller. Biking/walking as a mode of transportation is impractical in our town.

What is a mom of young kids to do? Just screw it until the kids are older? No? Bad idea?

Hmm...

I guess I'll have to put exercise on my to-do list and run on a treadmill when the kids are in bed.

Spring Respite from Kids

It was one of those evenings. Big Bro started wailing inconsolably for no apparent reason other than it was the 5:00 witching hour. He acted out just to get attention then howled even more. I cooked dinner as fast as I could knowing food would improve the situation greatly.

We really did have a fun day. Big Bro's first day back at preschool after spring break, Lil Sis' first day back at music class, Grandma and Grandpa returned from Florida, it was gorgeous outside so we played and went to the local plant nursery. A good day all in all, but over stimulation for little ones fries their circuits and inevitably leads to meltdowns.

At the nursery we had bought asparagus roots and I really wanted to get them into the ground. Asparagus isn't vulnerable to frosts like other garden plants so it's ok to plant them now even during this chilly spring. Spring! What a welcoming thought. Planting these roots was an affirmation that summer really will get here.

My husband and I divided and conquered to get the laundry switched and the kids out the door. Then I started working on planting the asparagus while the kids tried to "help."

"Go help, Daddy!" I said through gritted teeth in the calmest voice I could muster. I was tired too and my patience was worn thin. After several reminders they did leave me alone. I dug the asparagus trenches in peace. Set the spidery looking roots into their holes, then covered them back up being careful to mark them with sticks so I wouldn't mistake the temperamental asparagus plants with weeds this summer.

 

The best part was that the kids were far away from me playing on their playground with Daddy and Grandma. Sometimes a mama just needs some time to herself!

Big Bro saw me watering so insisted on helping, which was alright. He's pretty good at following directions when he wants to.

Then Lil Sis wanted in on the action too. She was not good about following directions. I fought her on it for a while because we were sharing the same watering can. My own tiredness and frustration was getting the best of me. Finally I put my "smart mom" hat back on and let her do whatever she wanted with the watering can while I got a bucket to do the real watering with.

Although it wasn't as much of a solo exercise as I had hoped, it was a nice welcome to spring and the coming gardening season, and a short respite from tired, cranky kids.

Living the Dream: A Playdate for Grown Ups

I had all of Saturday to spend with other adults and I didn't even have a babysitter!

"How is this possible? Is this a joke?" you may ask.

Nope. It's all true!

 

"How did this happen????" you ask.

Well, let me tell you...my husband organized a fantasy movie draft. It operates much like Fantasy Sports Leagues, but instead of auctioning on which real life players will be on your fantasy team, we were like movie executives bidding to win summer movies. Here are the movies I won and will be tracking how much they make:

1. Transformers
2. Sex Tape
3. How to Train Your Dragon 2 (opening weekend)
4. Step Up All In
5. The Hundred Foot Journey
6. Let's Be Cops

Will I win? Probably not, but it doesn't matter. It was still fun to hang out with adults, peers!, for most of a day. I can't even remember when I last did that!

We had seven adults in the auction, which included two married couples. Between us we had two 7 year olds, three 4 year olds, and 2 two year olds. The kids did amazingly well entertaining each other without fighting. The only thing we had to juggle was helping the littlest kids go up and down the stairs repeatedly between the playroom and the living room. We adults were corralled in the kitchen to have our own playdate in (mostly) peace. I see more grown up playdates in our future.

SAHMs don't get sick days

Stay at home moms (parents) don't get sick days. I would have to be really ill for my husband to justify staying home from work, as in stomach flu sick. Unfortunately a bad cold with sore throat doesn't qualify. 

Then again, does anyone really get sick days? For many a sick day means you work from home on your laptop. Maybe you sneak in a nap, but thanks to phone and internet it's too easy to carry on even while hacking up a lung.

Then there are people who work even when sick due to deadlines, staff shortages, or they just can't afford to miss a shift. It's sad really when you think about it.

My sick day went something like this:

I lingered in bed because my husband got Big Bro dressed, fed, and out the door to preschool. Lil Sis and I stayed home. It was a morning with too much screen time for Lil Sis as I nursed my tea and stared into space--sleeping with my eyes open.

Got Big Bro from school. Made lunch for everyone, then remembered that we had dentist appointments that afternoon and it was too late to cancel. Let Big Bro watch a show before we had to go to the dentist, which meant Lil Sis did too. Helped them brush teeth and load into the car.

Arrived at dentist. I had my turn first. Big Bro was excited and told me it was his turn next. He looked like a little Men In Black guy there with his black sweatsuit and black shades. It was his second dentist visit and he did incredibly well.

Lil Sis excitedly watched her brother get his teeth cleaned. While in the safety of my arms as I stood next to the chair she opened her mouth wide, said ahh, and stuck out her tongue and declared, "My turn!" When it actually was her turn she kept her mouth and eyes closed. She was done. 

We drove home on back roads because of a detour necessitated by a traffic collision of some sort. Big Bro fell asleep. 

Back at home we tried to visit Nini, but Big Bri was tired and cranky so he and Lil Sis watched yet another show and had a snack while I cooked dinner. 

Husband came home a bit later than usual, but we all ate together. Then he suggested I go up to bed and got the kids ready for bed himself. Thank goodness for that because I was ready to crash.

I can't have a sick day where I can watch tv and nap all day anymore. Those were the good old days, but at least I did get a little extra sleep/rest compared to a normal day thanks to my husband.

A Test in Letting Go

I took the kids to an open gym session at a local gymnastics school. Last time was a wee bit stressful so I had some reservations.

Last time we went I was 7 months pregnant with Lil Sis, and Big Bro was not quite 2. At that time Big Bro was too freaked out by the ultra bouncy floors, but he loved the foam pit best! So there I was, very pregnant, and in the foam pit trying to protect my not-yet-two-year old from getting stuck in the foam and from kids flying every which way jumping nearly on top of us at times. Yup, not ideal.

"Look out","Be careful","Watch out for that boy!" I don't want to undermine my child's confidence by telling him to always be careful, but that can be hard to do with kids running left and right. Toddlers/preschoolers aren't exactly known for their awareness or self-control.

This time Big Bro was able to do it all himself. I still got nervous with kids running and colliding and landing in the foam pit inches from each other. But I restrained myself from calling out too many warnings, and there were no injuries, tears, or even bumps. It was a lesson for me in letting go. To trust that Big Bro can be aware of his surroundings, his body, other kids, and not crash.

"He floats through the air with the greatest of ease,
the daring young man on the flying trapeze"

This time I had Lil Sis to keep track of. She was content to chase balls on the giant springy mat where gymnasts do their floor routines. With Baby Pepper in tow of course. There were a few giant bouncing exercise balls that I deflected from knocking her down, but she did well. 

I think I did too. 

Work/Family Balance

I am a stay at home mom. That is established. I stay home with the kids while my husband goes to the office for work. Between the hours of 8am and 6pm I am a playmate, a teacher, an entertainer, a disciplinarian, a cook, a server, a nurse, a maid, a chauffeur.

Once the kids are in bed I am a blogger for this personal blog, and the BVT Moms Blog. I get to have a voice on motherhood and environmental issues. I get to have a voice in the world outside my home.

As of this January I am also a co-founder of a Vermont chapter of Citizens Climate Lobby (VT CCL). Now I am an organizer and a leader. Someone with a clear stake in starting an organization and making sure it succeeds. It's thrilling and energizing to be part of a "start up" on an issue I'm passionate about. It's outside the mommy box entirely, which is refreshing.

The blogging and the organization start up have to occur after the kids are in bed. Their bedtime has crept back later and later, therefore my prime blogging and organizing hours are often between 9pm and midnight.

It's late, and sometimes when I'm done, I'm buzzing with excitement and it's hard to go straight to bed. After working extra on a particular post or after an exciting conference call about the VT CCL I can be awake until 1am or later trying to settle enough to sleep. The kids always get up at 7 and sometimes earlier than that, which makes for awfully short nights.

What's my work/family balance? I often burn the candle at both ends and sacrifice sleep, as lots of mother/parents do I'm sure. Of course there are nights I crash early or fall asleep as as I wait for my kids to nod off. 

For now, it works. In a year and a half Big Bro will be off to kindergarten and Lil Sis will be entering preschool. That will mean 3.5 hours, 3 days a week to myself when they are both at school. I anticipate that it will feel like a luxury to write and organize during the day.

      

 

No Phone Zone Fail

Just before Christmas, I saw an article called "Our Unplugging Challenge: Seven Days Without Our Devices." That night during the kids' bathtime I mentioned it to my husband and suggested maybe we could try it over Christmas vacation. He sort of laughed, so I amended my request to having a "no phone zone" while the kids are awake. That's a good idea, he agreed while looking up from his smartphone. We didn't end up doing it though. Our kids like to play a couple games on our phones, and they like to watch Sesame Street songs on YouTube too.

A couple years ago, a study showed that using our smart phones lights up the same areas of our brain that love does. We literally love our phones. "Some psychologists suggest that using our iPhones and BlackBerrys may tap into the same associative learning pathways in the brain that make other compulsive behaviors — like gambling — so addictive."

That's kind of sad.

I'm guilty. I check my phone a lot. It's just so easy. It just takes a minute here and there. The kids are entertaining themselves for a minute? Great! I'll check the latest updates on Facebook! But do I really need to read and like the gazillion climate news stories in my feed? Or the latest cute kid picture? Do I need to read yet another parenting blog?

The other day I was parked by the lake as my daughter slept in the car, and it wasn't yet time to collect my son from preschool. It was a cold day and the ice fisherman were out. I should have sat in the car staring at the lake and the ice and the horizon for 10 minutes. I did look for a bit, but then, almost without thinking about it, I pulled out my smart phone.

Whoops.

I kind of miss the days before cell phones. Days when I went out without caring that maybe no one could reach me for a while. Days when I took trips to see friends in neighboring states with nothing but printed out directions. Days before Facebook existed, before Words With Friends existed. There was a certain kind of freedom.

Now that I have a smart phone (since late 2010) it's hard to give it up. It's annoying not being able to look up something whenever I want, or snap a photo whenever I want, take my turn in a game, or check status updates. I honestly don't think it's a problem how much I use my phone, but it would be good to use it less.

Maybe I will do that 7 Day Challenge afterall. Maybe.

image found at:sunny-cookie.blogspot.com