Quitting at being a SAHM?

I was browsing my email this past weekend and saw a job announcement. I read it out of habit and was surprised that it sounded pretty darn perfect for me. I told my husband and he said you should apply, it just seems like such a great cross-section of all your experience.

But it's full-time, I replied. What about the kids? It could be a great job but the timing is still all wrong. We would have to do the daycare thing and that would be a huge transition for us. 

Yes, but we could potentially send them to our neighbor's daycare. It just seems like it could be a good job for you.

Source: 

http://www.secureteen.com/working-mom/working-mom-vs-stay-at-home-mom-what’s-best-for-kids/

I've been torn ever since seeing that job ad. It really does seem like a great position. My husband's excitement about it added to my feeling that I should apply. It could still be a longshot since I have been out of work for so long. But what's the harm in trying?

Then I started feeling anxious. What if I got the job? It would be a holy sh** kind of moment....Can I really get on board with the day care option after 4 years as a SAHM? Only seeing my kids for maybe 2 hours a day on weekdays before bed. Would they revolt? The family lifestyle changes it would force didn't sound appealing. Then again it was the most appealing job posting I've seen in a long time. But, I've already been out of the workforce for 4 years. If I wait 3 more years until Lil Sis is in kindergarden that will be 7 years out of the workforce! My chances will just get worse and worse in the future the longer I stay away.

...It's a fitting job. It could be a bridge back to working.  I should apply. Chances are I won't get it anyway, afterall I've been out of work for 5 years. Then again I should just see what happens. It will only be harder to get a job the longer I've been out. But what if I did get it? What then? What about the kids? No, don't bother applying the time isn't right--but....

Circular thoughts, over and over.

Monday morning I was driving in the car and flipped to a new radio station and heard a song with lyrics including:

We wish our weekdays away 
Spend our weekends in bed
We Drink ourselves stupid and work ourselves dead....

But we’re all slowly dying in front of computers....

(Scare away the Dark by Passenger http://youtu.be/0hVQ2jjDpss)

The song was a little sappy, and not entirely applicable to my situation, but it cleared my angst (temporarily). Did I truly want the job? Not now while my kids are so little. Especially since it's full time and does require some evenings and weekends as do many planning jobs. Why this job? Is it really so perfect? Why am I so worried about not having a job? Because you need a career to be successful. You need an occupation, money, titles and promotions to be considered worth something. I don't want to be left behind. How will I rejoin the workforce when the time is right?

However... Right now I have something that many people wish they could do. To have the freedom and the choice to not be tied to a desk and computer 40+ hours a week. To be home with my kids, snuggling on the couch reading books at 2:00 on a weekday afternoon.

The realization hasn't totally stopped the circular thoughts, but it has helped. I don't want to quit being a SAHM. Sometimes I just want it all, and you can't. At least not all at the same time.